Honored Happy Sociopaths of the Week: “Keep America Beautiful” and That Crying Indian Guy

People start pollution, people can stop it, not government regulations, HA! Cue tear

“One man’s trash is everyone’s litter, do your part and keep the Government out of it… or else this Native’s gonna cry.”

Remember this stoic Native American-looking guy? His name is Iron Eyes Cody.  In the 70s, he and the non-profit group “Keep America Beautiful” launched a golden-lit commercial of him canoing through a polluted river, walking through trash strewn fields, and crying a single tear that tugged at the heartstrings and guilt cords of every Miserable Sucker in America; convincing them “People start pollution, people can stop it.”

Watch the commercial here.

Sounds like your run of the mill, righteous enviro-junkie bumper-sticker talk, right? Not if you look a little closer.

Here’s the deal: back in the olden days, before cars, before penicillin, there was very little litter.  Things didn’t come nicely wrapped in plastic for freshness, the postman didn’t pony express coupons to your house, and if you wanted to enjoy a bottled beverage, you had to drink the whole thing in the store and give the empty back to the shop owner.

But all that changed around 1902, when our heroes, the major bottling and packaging companies (like Coca-Cola and Philip-Morris) invented “Throwaways.”  Bottles and cans you could take with you, and then just toss! Of course the public loved this and they realized they loved throwing all kinds of stuff out!  They threw stuff out of their windows, out of their cars, and left it around as modern animal markings. Unfortunately, there was a dark side to this new American hobby; the amount of trash not in trashcans was rising.  It got so you couldn’t have a nice picnic in the park without having to kick other people’s refuse out of the way.

In 1953 our brilliant companies realized that the growing litter problem consisted of their products.  They started to feel the hot breath of the government threatening to regulate them, to tax them, to make them responsible!  “This is all your fault!” the government hissed.  Did the bottlers and packagers waste their time apologizing or feeling bad?  Are you kidding?  Instead they pulled off what may be the most artful sociopathic spin since the pet rock.  Watch and learn.

To take the pressure off themselves, litter making industries established “Keep America Beautiful,” a friendly-neighbor, all-American non-profit organization who’s mission statement looked something like this: “People are the problem; they’re lazy and gross and they’re making a mess!  It’s not the industry’s fault!  It’s those damn sloppy folks who buy our products!”  And it worked!  The general public fell for this logic, as any decent group of Miserable Suckers would, and began picking up after themselves.  Wow!  Soon 75 other corporations joined the quest to make waste solely the consumer’s responsibility.  Now that’s a Happy Sociopathic army to adore!

But keeping the powers-that-be off their backs has not been as simple as a few ad campaigns.  In the 1970’s, just as Iron Eyes Cody was rocking primetime television with his single tear, an opposing force was threatening to screw the whole thing up. State Governments began introducing “Bottle Bills.”  A mandatory deposit on bottles and cans that put the responsibility back in the hands (gasp) of the manufacturers! The bottlers did not want this to become a popular trend, so using the good (and unbiased) forces of “Keep America Beautiful” they have been able to limit this bottle deposit law to only 11 states.  Not to fear, they’re working hard to eradicate it completely.

Organizing buses of school kids to clean up the litter on beaches, highways and parks; putting a trendy green veneer on your avoidance of government regulations; and keeping those annoying bottle deposit laws out of most states – all under the super wholesome umbrella of a kumbaya-singing non-profit!  We’re in awe!  How could we not honor “Keep America Beautiful” and that Crying Indian Guy as our Happy Sociopaths of the Week?

Great work kids!

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Honored Happy Sociopath of the Week: Michael Lohan! (Lindsay Lohan’s Dad)

Mikey!

who cares what you think! I'm a rich celebrity!!!

“Coat tails, coke rails, I’ll hang on to whatever you got- Bring it bitches!”

That’s the kind of fatherly guidance that makes Michael Lohan The Honored Happy Sociopath of the Week!

Oh yeah, he’s a total scum bag. A lazy, perverted, violent, freeloading piece of trash, but he’s happy and he could care less what you think! He’s rich, he’s famous, he gets more press and more hot pastry then the president of France and we honor him for being a star Happy Sociopath!

Just last week, Michael (or Mikey as we like to call him) went public with his new plan to help Lindsay get off of drugs, he’s gonna open his own rehab center! Now a miserable sucker would worry that the world might think: “Hey you can’t open a rehab, you’re abusive, you’re a liar, you had a secret second family and you beat your kids, you’ve used your daughter’s addiction to get famous, you’re crazy, lazy and gross.” But not our Mikey!

Instead he is the perfect example of an Obvious Lazy/Ambitious Type of Happy Sociopath (OLAT). The most complex type of Happy Sociopath who are marked by their clear determination to be a big deal with no need for work or merit.* He is a rare specimen to behold! You don’t have to like him, but you gotta admit, what he does takes a very special talent for sociopathy!

Hopefully this new rehab stint will lead to a new reality show, and we can watch him and all his mind-blowing brilliance everyday! Fingers crossed…

Go get ‘em Mikey!

*For more information about Happy Sociopathic Types, buy the book!

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Honored Sociopath of the Week: Ellen Degeneres

“Don’t eat animals, wear them on your face!”

That’s the message from honored sociopath of the week, CoverGirl spokes model and animal activist Ellen DeGeneres!

We really have to hand it to her, being a vegan is hard work; being a hugely famous activist vegan promoting make-up made out of animal parts is almost impossible, but Ellen (and her wife Portia) pull it off  with a wink and funky dance!

Any visit to Ellen’s site can make even the most hardened animal eaters think twice about their choices, and a single glimpse at Ellen’s smooth skin in a CoverGirl ad will make the most die hard animal lover want to smear her face with a furry friend’s tallow and tissue (collagen and stearic acid). Now that’s masterful salesmanship people!

Here’s the full story: About two years ago Ellen realized that all real celebrities have causes that they push. Sometimes they care, sometimes it’s just great publicity and even greater tax deductions. So Ellen (who starred in this Emmy winning commercial) told the world, “Hey, I love the animals, I will no longer eat any part of them or use their bi-products!” A month later she signed a contract to be the face of CoverGirl, owned by awesome, todo del mundo conglomerate Procter & Gamble. That little decision help make our Ellen one of the richest and most photographed women in the world!

Not everyone can play on both sides of the fence; that takes talent, balls and sociopathy. Ellen’s got all three! Sure a few PETA freaks shook their heads at the madness of it, but for the most part everyone went right on loving Ellen, as they should!

She and Portia were even honored by the Humane Society in 2009, for helping get Prop 2 passed so that all animals would be treated right! Just not the ones on her face.

Hello activist cache, loving fans and money in the bank! Can life get any sweeter for this Happy Sociopath? Let’s wait and see!

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Donald Draper decends into Miserable Suckery

Don Draper decendes into Miserable Suckery

It used to be that Don Draper was a TV icon of Happy Sociopathy. In episode after episode of Mad Men he would carelessly cheat, swindle and screw with the most glamorous 60s panache. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him! He was a Sociopathic Super Hero, but no more.

Ever since he started digging around in his past he’s been getting softer and softer, ickier and ickier, until even his financial adviser wants to know what happened to his balls.  Clearly Don Draper (or whatever his real name is) has fallen off the golden sociopathic wagon, into the miserable muck and mire of suckery.

Making hookers slap you? Asking your wife and her new lover to pay rent while staying in your beautiful home- is that all you got Don?  And we’re all for making drunken use of your secretary, but this time it was desperate and lonely. Even Joey says Don is “pathetic.” Ouch.

Our soulless bosoms ache at the thought of losing Don to such feeble doormat-ism forever.

Happy Sociopaths, let the sucker formally known as Don Draper be a lesson to you! Misery is a powerful pit that will suck you into it’s depths when you least expect it. Everyone is at risk, even the chillingly sexy Don Draper, so beware!

Keep your guard up and your hearts cold.

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Honored Happy Sociopath of the Week – Tony Hayward!

Tony Hayward is still Happy!

“Even bad press is good press!”

Well that’s the upbeat, positive thinking you can expect from Happy Sociopath, Tony Hayward. Sure there’s an oil disaster at his heels, but let’s be honest here, no one really important is effected. Tony’s fine, his cars, houses, lady friends and other toys are not covered in oil, so what’s the big whoop. Oil spills come and oil spills go, but a charming smile like his makes you feel all cozy inside forever!
And the most brilliant part: he sold 30% of his BP shares just one month before the whole thing went down in a gusher!  Can you say, “Cha-Ching!”

Here’s to you Tony, way to get off the hook with out a scrape or a grease stain. That’s the kind of good ol’ fashion sociopathic work we like to see!

Thanks for setting such a great example for all the aspiring Happy Sociopaths out there.

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Self Servicing is it’s own reward!

Yes, you made it to the only blog that goes beyond self-help to self-servicing.

Let’s face it, your life is pretty much a huge disappointment.

Truth is, it sucks.

You’ve been a helpful and considerate person for far too long and what have you got to show for it? Not much. Don’t give me that crap about being a good person is it’s own reward. It’s not.  Instead you’ve just been drowning in the quicksand of good intentions and pathetic loserness.   But there is hope!  Here you are now, primed and in place to finally get everything you ever wanted out of life.

Service yourself this time.

Read on my friends.

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